My life has been turned upside down. It just seems that when things couldn't have gotten any worse... somehow life finds a way... and the walls you've surrounded yourself with come crumbling down around you.
In my family... I am the strong one. The one that keeps everyone together and makes sure everything is right. I keep the peace between siblings and I'm that bridge between both parents who are still married but long time separated. Things have changed now and I don't know how to be that person anymore.
I've been living with an illness for 2 years now... and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. At first, I really didn't think much of it. It wasn't until this past April when the last operation had diagnosed my endometrial hyperplasia progressed and its now in the pre-cancerous stage. My Physician has sought help from an Oncologist as far as treatment goes... and well... that to me is not a very good sign.
My doc has her fingers crossed... but the reality of the matter is... it hasn't gotten better since 2007 and so... I'm not very optimistic. I'm 33 years old... have no children and now facing Uterine Cancer. I am trying to accept the fact that I may never have any children of my own... and its very hard.
I remind myself everyday that I am lucky to have 2 handsome nephews and a gorgeous neice. I tell myself that I am blessed to be an aunty to these wonderful children... and it helps most of the time. But some times... I feel a void that can't be filled. Its an emptiness that tends to eat away at your soul.
To make matters worse... 12 years ago I made a mistake... and I fear now that mistake has come back to haunt me. Its my punishment and I think I deserve it. I am a spiritual woman and I do believe in a God who is love and is forgiveness. But I also believe that sometimes forgiveness does not come without consequence. And now... this is my consequence.
I have one more operation scheduled for August. I don't know... maybe its wishful thinking... but I'm hoping that God grants me a second chance. Maybe he will and maybe he won't... but if he does... I'll make the most of that second chance. If he asks me to speak about Pro-Life... then I'll tell my story and hopefully it'll make a difference in someone elses life. But I won't make that same mistake again I did 12 years ago.
3 comments:
Seek that stronger connection with God; get as close as you dare. You must forgive yourself and move forward. There is nothing wrong with reviewing the past but you can't live there.
It's time you were strong for yourself. Faith, dependence, trust...put it all in God. Only He knows what great things He has in store for you. It might surprise you.
You know you are in my prayers. Love you much~ Shane :)
Life is not always a bed of roses...it has so many thorns along the winding path...but u have to look deep inside your heart and find courage for yourself...search for your inner strength...what happened in the past is past...do not cling on the past and your torture yourself...take the good lessons, learnt from your past experience, start a new life and leave any painful memories behind...when something bad strikes in, it is because God just wants to run a little test on us...and cause He knows we can pull ourselves through the test and be His forever loyal humble servant...He knows what is the best for us....whatever circumstances you are in now...please never give up...coz when God bring tears to your eyes...at the end of day, He will paint a beautiful rainbow in your heart...hang in there and take care :)
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