Reality can be a real bummer...

So... I had an appointment with my cardiologist today... and I have to say that he really puts things in a manner that makes me depressed! I mean... I know I have a heart problem... otherwise he wouldn't have referred me for a d@ng defibrillator... duh! I think he was a lil' upset that the EP (electrophysist) prescribed another medication to add on to the billions that I'm already taking. I guess the EP should've spoke to my cardiologist about it to see if it would benefit me. Anyways... it started back in August 2010 when my cardiologist sent me to see an EP cardiologist to get an ICD. I'm not gonna lie... I was totally afraid of getting the implant. I mean.... who wants to be sliced open and have someone else place some electrical thing-a-mabob near your heart not to mention attach wires to it... sheesh! Okay... okay... I'm over with the dramatics... sorry. So in my first meeting with the EP... I go over my medical history... he reviews notes from my cardiologist and then asks... do I know why my cardiologist has not prescribed "this other medication." Like I'm really supposed to know... LOL! Anyways... he gives me the meds... tells me to see him in a couple months and we'll do another echocardiogram to see if there's improvement. Obviously there was no improvement and hence the implant. Now.. today's event... my cardiologist goes into detail with me about this "other medication"... tells me why he didn't prescribe it to me and why its not beneficial. I totally appreciate the explanation and finding out that the new medication really does nothing to help my heart. *SIGH* He then tells me that if he had prescribed the medication for me... he would've prescribed the other "other" one that actually has been proven to help improve weak hearts like mine. He says the EP prescribed the other meds because he wanted to make sure that I met all the qualifications to receive the ICD. The cardiologist then said that I didn't need the medication that does nothing to improve my heart... because I'm already qualified due to the physical state of my heart. In other words... my heart is soooo weak... that its a wonder that I am able to wake up and goto work each day that I do. *SSSSIIIIGGGHHH* depressed much? maybe just a little. =/ Oh... and another thing... the "other" medication... all it does is lower my blood pressure; but according to my records... my blood pressure has been so low... that it was a danger to put me on the "other" medication. AND... not only is my blood pressure low... but so is my heart rate. Today's reading.. 34 beats per minute. Scared? Yes it does scare me. But I will keep doing what I do to the best of my ability... until I can no longer afford to do any of it.